Real Talk with CATCH Moms

It's CATCH Moms at the Pod today!   Rachel Tzinberg, CATCH President and Julie Weinberg, the Vice President, join us to share heartfelt experiences and lessons learned on our parenting journeys thus far.  We recorded in the very living room where CATCH began, too!  Join us to discover practical advice, have a few laughs and find yourself in our conversation. We cover the gamut from fostering open communication to validating our kids.  We have learned a lot and this is an easy, compassionate,  wisdom-filled conversation that just might leave you with some real-life parenting strategies.

We hope you enjoyed Season 3! We'll see you in the fall for Season 4!

SHOW NOTES:
Dr. Becky Kennedy
Good Inside, Dr. Becky Kennedy
Sitting With Kids Through Hard Feelings - Breathing Space
 Blessing of a Skinned Knee, Wendy Mogel PH.D.
Julie Lythcott Haimes Bonsai vs. Wildflower
CATCH Parents Connect Groups
CATCH Lunch and Learn: Be Curious Not Furious
CATCH Learn from Experts: Judith Joy Finding Gratitude Playlist
Feelings Wheel

music credit: Line Up/Pond 5
©CATCH 2024

To find all of the resources CATCH provides to caregivers of young people struggling with their mental health, go to www.catchiscommunity.org.

Follow us on social media
Facebook/Instagram/YouTube: @catchiscommunity

CATCH, Community Action Together for Children's Health, is a 501(c)3 that provides support and education for families around mental health topics. Original content and materials from CATCH and its collaborators are for informational purposes only. They are provided as a general resource and are not specific to any person or circumstance.

Transcript

Introduction

[00:00:00] Amy O.: Today's episode of Parenting the Mental Health Generation brings you a conversation with a group of moms.

Dr. Lisa: Most of whom didn't know each other before CATCH, but who've grown very close over the past several years of working together. Our guests today are CATCH's President and Vice President, Rachel Tzinberg and Julie Weinberg.

Amy O.: As integral members of the organization that began in my living room, the very room actually, in which we're recording this podcast right now, we wanted to have a conversation about life, parenting, and the lessons we've all learned on this crazy journey.

Dr. Lisa: What are these mamas doing differently since learning those lessons? What's worked best? What hasn't worked at all? And what advice would they give to parents navigating the everyday grind and to those in the depths of the tough stuff?

Amy O.: We cover it all here. So put in your earbuds, take these 30 minutes for you, and join our conversation with Rachel and Julie.

Conversation

[00:01:02] Dr. Lisa: Welcome, ladies!

Rachel Tzinberg, President, CATCH: Thank you. 

Julie Weinberg, Vice President, CATCH: Thank you for inviting us. 

Dr. Lisa: I'm really excited for this conversation. I know we all know each other. Our guests and listeners don't necessarily. And we're all in different stages of our parenting journey. I just celebrated my younger one's third birthday. And our listeners probably know that Amy has kids on the other side of that young adult spectrum, what about you guys? Introduce yourselves for us.

Rachel: This is Rachel, and my kids are 22 and 17, so I am on the older side. I have one in college, one in high school, and I'm really happy to be here this morning.

Julie: I'm Julie, and my kids are in high school. They are 16 and 17, so finishing sophomore and junior years in high school.And I have learned a lot, and I want to put it out there that while I have learned a lot, I am in no way like a parenting expert, but I'm really happy to share what I've learned. And, you know, still figuring it out. It's a journey, always.

[00:02:07] Dr. Lisa: Is this parenting expert thing a goal we can reach at any point in our lives? I didn't think so, right? Okay, pressure's off.

Rachel: Probably when you're a grandparent and you don't have any responsibility for anybody, then you can.

Dr. Lisa: Just give the kids the cookies and run away.

Julie: No, my mom will say it's a life sentence.

Parenting Mindset When Talking With Your Kids

Amy O.: Oh boy, that might be another podcast. On our last episode, we were lucky enough to host two Glenbrook North students. And one of them shared that her parents mindset is really important when talking with her. And it helped her when they arrived at conversations, in a place where they could accept who she was immediately, be comfortable in the conversation, and so that she didn't feel judged. And she shared that positive mindset. Helps her when setbacks or challenges present themselves. So I think we'd like to kick it off today by asking you guys, since you've been working hard on your parenting skills, what you try to bring to conversations with your kids and how you try to arrive at a place to allow your kids a safe place to be.

Julie: I would say I try to always lead with love. Love first. And listening. Sometimes it's hard and I catch myself, but I really think just listening to what they're saying and then reflecting back and validating. I heard that, instruction to validate your kids feelings, validate your kids feelings, and I didn't understand it took a while to get there.

Rachel: I would say the same. I try to approach them with compassion and kindness and grace for making mistakes because we all make mistakes and they're at a point where they're making a lot because they don't have the life skills, the life experience to know how to figure everything out. And I think asking questions instead of trying to solve their problems, which is much easier said than done. I read somewhere to be curious and not judgmental. And I'm trying to remember who that was, but

Amy O.: Well, Stephanie Zwilling reminded us a couple weeks ago, be curious, not furious. So same kind of idea, right?

[00:04:31] Rachel: Yeah. And I think, you know, if you want your kids to be open with you and you want them to share what's going on, if you're super reactive and you start yelling at them or you freak out and you start panicking, then that doesn't make them feel safe enough to come to you for the next time and the next thing that happens. Because there are so many things that happen, and I think that it's about creating a space where you can share things even when they're resistant. And I think that the less kind of reactive you are and the more open you are to trying to help them solve the problem, if that's what they want, but also asking the question, “What do you want right now? What can I do to support you? Do you want me to try to help you process through this? Do you want to just talk? Do you want to help? Do you want to help trying to solve it?” 

Amy O.: It feels like sometimes it's a lot easier to jump to, well, “have you tried? Or did you do? Or how come you're,”

Julie: You saying those words right now is stressing me out.

Amy O.: But isn't it easy to come to those places sometimes?

Julie: Yes. But as the person on the other end of that, it feels awful. It feels like you're just telling me a million things to do and I'm just feeling terrible.

Amy O.: Or what I haven't done right already.

Julie: And now it's just making it feel worse. Just hearing those questions and we're just having a friendly conversation, but yeah, that's heavy.

[00:05:56] Dr. Lisa: And I think it's so much easier for us to recognize that when, people put it in the framework of would you like it if your partner came home after you had a bad day at work and just started throwing ideas and suggestions and attacking you with information as opposed to just sitting and validating and it's easier, I think, for all of us to go, “oh yeah, that would feel terrible,” when it's on that even playing field of a partner, but then it's harder when it's our kids. I think we're more worried when it's our kids. We don't want them to be struggling. And that's what brings out in so many parents that well intended desire to fix it for them, which we've all been hearing and working and learning is just, it's not the best way to go.

Julie: And it feels so much better when you take a step back and let them figure it out and you see them figure it out and you see the growth. So, I think we have to remember that.

Rachel: I think the first time I was exposed to this was in the book, Blessings of a Skinned Knee. And she talked about the fact that when we go in and we rescue and we solve the problems that they can solve, we're robbing them of something important that they need, a process that they need to know that they are competent. Then they think of themselves as a problem solver. And I look back on this and I think I was not good at this when my kids were toddlers and I was more, don't know if I would say rescuing, but just like I was impatient. And so it was just easier for me to tie the shoes than to let them struggle through it. Or it was easier for me to clean things up because it got done faster, whatever that looks like, but just creating space for them to feel that sense of accomplishment that comes when you've worked through your frustrations. And I think if I had those skills to say, I can see that is so hard for you to tie your shoe. Let's just take a break for a minute. Let's, you know, try again. Do you want to keep trying? Let's keep trying another way. Can we try it a different way? Or just, just watch. 

[00:08:13] Amy O.: So, Rachel, along those lines, one of the things that we try to do in a 30-minute podcast is to arm our audience with tools and actual strategies to get some of the things we discussed done. So, like you just said, I can see that that's very difficult for you to tie your shoes. Could you guys maybe share some other ways that you would let your kids know that you're validating them and listening to them. What else might you say to your kids to give them that message? Can you share some of those things?

Ways We’ve Learned to Validate Our Kids

Julie: I try to just step back and think about what they're experiencing in the moment and ask, like, how are you feeling about whatever the situation is, and if they're struggling to find the words, I might say, “Are you feeling this?” Because sometimes it's hard for kids, for all of us, to put words to our feelings. A lot of times I'll just say, “How can I help you? Is there anything I can do to help? Is there anything I can do that won't make this worse?”

[00:09:17] Amy O.: Do you ever say something like, “Would you like a suggestion, or would you like just like me to listen?”

Julie: I will directly say, “Are you looking for advice, or do you want me to just listen?”

Amy O.: I say that too, and it helps a lot.

Julie: It just opens up the conversation and gives them the feeling that they are in control. And it's up to them.

Dr. Lisa: And I want to throw out there that I don't think kids can be too young to do that because I've done that with my kindergartner and it's effective then too. It's very cool. You know, with the three-year-old, it's hard because he doesn't have the emotional vocabulary yet for some of these things. And I find myself almost a little bit worried about putting ideas in his head about what he might be feeling if a situation isn't scaring him. But I can tell something's off and I'm like, do you feel scared right now? I don't want him to feel scared if he wasn't feeling scared, you know, it can be tricky. But I think at each of these developmental stages, we figure out what our kid is capable of, how they can express themselves and what they need. And, and that exact piece that you just said, Julie, around, “Do you want advice right now? Do you just want me to listen?” Even in Kindy, it's very effective. 

Julie: I think it's also helpful to say, it makes sense that you're feeling that way like I get it of course, you're feeling worried. Of course, you're feeling stressed because when you start having those difficult feelings it can sometimes feel like what's wrong with me. I mean I can remember a situation for myself I'm talking with my therapist about something that happened, and I was beside myself about this reaction I had to something, and she said, “That's anger. It's okay to feel angry,” and I was like, “Oh, right, anger, yes, yes, that's something we experience and it's okay and it's normal.”

[00:11:01] Rachel: So one thing I want to talk about, this is a different tool. As I know that everybody in this room knows that I'm really, really, really love Dr. Becky and Good Inside. And one of the things that I know that I did not handle well when my kids were young was I don't think I was good at helping them process their big emotions and I think that is something that if I could change one thing, I would change that piece. And I would introduce at a young age that feelings wheel. I think is such a helpful way to start introducing kids to various feelings. And as you say, as they get older and they have more capacity, then you bring out the next layer of complexity in the feelings wheel. You don't start with the one that has, you know, a hundred feelings on it. You start with the one that has five or six, and then I think you can get bigger from that. But one of the things, because my kids are five and a half years apart, one of the things that I learned very early with the second one is that you don't need to, this is not quite the right language, but you don't need to dumb down your language for little kids. If you are using that language to talk to your older one, the younger one is going to hear it and then they're just going to get it earlier. And that applies to not just emotional language, but I think to all things, because my little guy could spell before he could read because I was working on spelling words with the older one. And so he understood very early that like, oh, you put these letters together and that's how you spell a word. So he understood words in a way that I think a lot of times, you know, kids don't when they're learning how to read. But anyways, I think that it's an incredible tool. And Dr. Becky specifically uses this example where she talks about an analogy of that you like are going into a park and there's a whole bunch of benches and each bench is a different feeling. And what you want to do as a parent is teach your kid that they can sit on all the benches, that there's no good bench and there's no bad bench, but just that like you can sit on the anger bench and that's okay. You can be angry and getting comfortable with sitting with all the feelings. And I think to me, it just was an analogy that resonated with me so much. Because it's such an area that I really, I got a D on that one. They knew I loved them, but when they were having meltdowns and I look back and I think like, God, if I had said things differently, if I had said, wow, you had some such big feelings there that must have felt really scary like because when they're screaming at you and they can't calm themselves down that does feel scary. And then she also talks about being a sturdy parent and that it's your job to just be sturdy to be there and be sturdy and I think you know being able to handle the storm. You don't need to absorb it. And it was too much for me. There was so much screaming and so much that I had trouble regulating myself. 

Amy O.: Do you think part of that was, I mean, I'm reflecting back now when my kids were young and think I put behavior and emotion together. I reacted to the behavior, and I was like, stop crying. I don't think I said that to them really, but that's how I felt inside.

Rachel: Yeah.

Amy O.: Instead of saying, wow, my kid is throwing a massive fit. He must be very uncomfortable or angry or sad or scared or whatever. It's only in my later years as a parent that I realized that behavior is telling you something. They are unable to say, I'm so mad. I'm so scared. I'm just instead going to have a royal ass fit.

[00:15:05] Julie: I think when my kids were younger, and those moments were happening, I didn't know how to respond. I think I got paralyzed, and I had a lot of voices in my head of what the expectation was, or what someone else would have done, and it was really hard for me to follow my instinct of, I just wanted to put my arms around this child. And the instructions to have timeouts, or threaten, that never sat well with me. I never felt good about it, but I didn't know what else, I didn't know what else to do. And now I feel like I've learned so much, plug for CATCH, learned so much through my volunteer work with CATCH. I've sat through all the presentations, I've read the books, I've read the articles, and seen all the Facebook and Instagram posts, and now I feel so much more,

Amy O.: Made all of the Facebook and Instagram posts.

Julie: Not just the CATCH post, but everyone else that, you know, the Dr. Becky videos, and I feel like I just know better, you know, when you know better, you do better.

Amy O.: Wait a minute, do you guys like Dr. Becky?

Rachel: I don't know what makes you think that.

Dr. Lisa: I came to CATCH with this totally different vantage point. I am a child clinical psychologist. I've read all the textbooks and I know everything on paper and yet here I was living with, I think it was a nine-month-old, my first son at the time and going, man, I have no idea how to do this right. And then I found CATCH and you guys, and I feel, I'm so grateful that I've been learning these messages really from very early on. And I'm curious to hear what it feels like to you guys. You've alluded a couple of times to like, what I didn't do when they were younger, what I wish I had done. You know, I tell parents all the time, we do the best we can with the information we have.

[00:16:57] Rachel: And so are they. Our kids are also doing the best they can. And I've heard this, Dr. Becky says it, but a lot of other people say it too, like, they're not, I promise we're not sponsored by Dr. Becky. I wish we were. 

Julie: Can you imagine? 

Dr. Lisa: Yeah.

Rachel Tzinberg: They're not giving you a hard time; they are having a hard time. And I think that shift in perspective is just so valuable. Dr. Becky uses this analogy, and she says, if I had a really hard day and I was having a meltdown and my husband said, go to your room, that wouldn't be helpful. How is that helpful? You want to feel seen and supported and loved in that moment. You don't want to be punished or sent away by yourself. This is the piece that gets me because like, I sent them away with their hard feelings instead of sitting with them. I don't know, it's hard.

Julie: But you did the best you could. 

Rachel: And I have done repair, and now my kids are like, okay enough, stops, we're repaired, we're fine.

[00:18:03] Dr. Lisa: We feel validated.

Julie: We feel loved. We feel seen. You did your best, it's okay mom.

Dr. Lisa: But, I mean, but I think that emotion is so honest, right? I think we all experience that feeling of like, I wish I had done something differently. And I'm sure a lot of our listeners have those feelings as well when they hear these tips and tricks and tools that they haven't been employing. Is there something you guys have done to help yourselves move through that pain of, I wish I had, the shoulda, woulda, couldas that we all try to avoid.

Julie: I think talking about it and reflecting on those moments. I've had those conversations with my kids too where we revisit something that happened in the past and I go, “Oh, I'm so sorry.” And my son will say, “Mom, I get it. I get it. It's okay.” 

Your Kids Reactions To Your Evolving Parenting Style

[00:18:56] Amy O.: What have you noticed in your kids? I realize that this change came over time and as your kids were growing up, so it's a little bit hard to pinpoint, but have you noticed a change in their reaction to you in your relationship with them as you worked on your momming? 

Julie: I can give you a very specific example. When my son was younger, his anxiety stirred a lot at night when it was bedtime and we would end up late at night with these long, we used to call them “our late-night talks.” And at the time it felt really good because I felt like he was just reaching out to me and connecting with me and sharing with me. But it really was just the swirling of the anxiety. And through therapy, I learned to say to him, “I can see you're worried about this, but we're not going to solve this problem right now. The best thing you can do is just get a good night's sleep and we can talk about it in the morning.” And inevitably he'd wake up and whatever it was that was keeping him up was not an issue anymore. And it still happens. Where something will come up and he'll say, “I know we're not going to figure this out right now. I know I just need to go to sleep.” What more can you ask for? I learned, he learned, we figured it out together. 

Rachel: So this is going to sound a little bit woo woo, because it is. But when things were happening with my son and we were at loggerheads with so many things and it seemed like everything I said, he was like, “I just want to do the opposite.” And somebody said to me, Judith Joy, who we did a Learn from Experts with very early on, she said to me, you keep telling the story that you guys are at loggerheads and that you guys fight about everything and you are so disconnected and she's like that's perpetuating your disconnection. And she asked me to try to shift my thinking towards what our relationship could be, the relationship I wanted to have and how would that change things? And it's like that phrase, the grass is always greener on the other side, what I've heard that I think is more meaningful is the grass is greener where you water it. And so if you are continuing to water the story of, this relationship is bad, it's never going to be fixed. We're always going to fight. You're going to just keep perpetuating that. And so I worked hard to shift my focus to our relationship is better than I ever imagined it could be, and it didn't change things overnight, but I do feel like it created emotional space within the relationship for things to be better. My sister told me she had her second at the same time that I had my first, so, we had babies together and she used to go to this amazing class called ECFE in Minneapolis, which is like an early childhood education. And there was some talk she went to and she said that the person had said, if you want to change a dynamic between you and your kid, you need to make the change as the parent. Even if your kid is being unreasonable, whatever it is, it's the parent that needs to shift things. That was 22 years ago, and I still remember it. It was a really meaningful to me, but I didn't really know how to make the changes. And so then here we go, fast forward 20 years and she says this to me. And yes, I shifted my thinking and I shifted to this relationship is better than I ever thought it could be. And two years later, that's where we are. It is truly more connected and better than I ever thought it could be. So that's my woo woo nugget there.

Dr. Lisa: Can I actually ask a question about that? I'm curious if you ever talked to him about that, “hey, I'm changing the narrative. I'm doing a reframe,” or whether it happens on your end, and then that spills over to the relationship. 

Rachel: I did not say anything. I don't think we were in a place where that could have derailed it. It would have sort of taken away the space that was just created, I don't know. I did not say anything. 

How “Open of a Book” Are We With Our Kids When Working on Parenting Skills

[00:23:25] Dr. Lisa: I struggle with that sometimes of how open of a book are we supposed to be about the fact that we are parenting there's moments in certain ways, or does it need to just happen? Is it helpful to have those conversations? I think there's moments where I've brought those conversations in with my kids. And you know, one of the ones that sticks with me the most is letting go of the fact that I'm going to do it wrong sometimes. I am going to yell, I am going to have a rough afternoon, but then to have those reparative moments in bed that night, let's say with my kindergartner and say, “I did not love how I responded there. And I wish I had responded differently. And that was on me,” and to model that imperfection.

Amy O.: I want you to hear this and me to hear this too. Yelling is not wrong. Yelling is just what happens in the moment. It's just what happens, and you might feel bad about it and want to repair that feeling that you gave to your kid because you yelled, but you know, being a good parent doesn't mean not losing your temper. We're all going to lose our temper and we should. It's part of life that people get angry and lose their temper and can't control it because if we try to control everything it sticks down inside and then it comes flying out.

Rachel: Well, right, 

Amy O.: at the most inappropriate moments. 

Rachel: That's that piece of dealing with your emotions and sitting with that uncomfortable emotion.

Julie: And figuring out how to manage the emotion in a healthy way. Yes, it's okay to feel angry. What do you do with that anger? Do you punch someone, or do you go to your room and turn on some really loud music?

[00:25:07] Amy O.: And sometimes we're just going to lose it and it just happens. It has to be okay.

Rachel: And you want to create space for that.

Dr. Lisa: I agree. 

Julie: But to back to your question, Lisa, about how open are you with your kids, and I'm not a mental health professional, but in my opinion, in my experience, as both a parent and a child, I think it's fine to be open with your child as long as you're not putting anything on them that's going to become a burden for them. You want to, to go back to Rachel's point, be that sturdy parent so they know that they can always come to you and that you're safe. So be open, let them know what you're thinking, as long as it doesn't become a project for them. 

[00:25:51] Rachel: It depends. You don't necessarily have to do it every time and you can talk about it in the language of repair. You can say “we're going to change up how we're doing things because this doesn't feel good. We're in this bad pattern. So I'm going to try to, to fix it by doing X, Y, Z.” So, I think that it just totally depends. In this case, we were stuck in our negative place. And so for me, it made sense to try to make the change on my own and create space for growth. And maturity happens. And he definitely gets credit for being willing to make a shift and wanting a different outcome for his own life and his own experience. 

Amy O.: Hate to tell you guys this, but there comes a day in the not-too-distant future for some of you where your kids are the ones who are making those decisions and you're the one who's learning how to live in their space. And it's a beautiful thing to watch and it's a beautiful thing to be a part of and it also sucks.

Julie: I feel like it's been happening in this whole time. When we're having this conversation, I think about a time when my kids were in preschool and I dropped my, I don't know, he was three or four at the time and something happened on the way to school and he had a hard time separating and he went off to class and I got back in my car and all I could think about was his sad face. And so I called the assistant to the preschool director, and I wanted to check in and see how he's doing and is everything okay? And she said to me, “he's having his day. You should have yours.” And he was in preschool.

REJECT IT! “You're only as happy as your unhappiest child.”

[00:27:29] Rachel: I love that. That is a brilliant. Okay. That takes me to one thing I wanted to make sure that I mentioned, my soapbox that I know you guys have heard. That phrase, you're only as happy as your unhappiest child. Rejected. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I always say that was said by somebody who has neurotypical children. Your kids are going to have struggles and what you're modeling then is that we are so interconnected that I can't be happy. What you want to model is we all have our own journeys and our own lives. I can be happy, and you can be sad, and also you can be happy and sad. We can have that dialectic of it's a really hard day. And also, I can laugh at a funny joke. It also prescribes something that feels a little nefarious to me. That means that if my kid suffers from deep depression, I don't get to be happy. And also then I'm sad too. And I'm not doing anything to try to change the energy in the space, in the relationship.

Amy O.: In a weird way, I think this speaks to maybe human nature in a way because it reminds me of how I used to feel when I was grieving my dad's death, and I would laugh. Hold on, I'm supposed to be sad. I'm supposed to feel some way. And that didn’t allow any space for something else. And so when you drop your kid off at preschool and he's sad and you feel sad inside, you question whether or not you're allowed to feel good. So that just reminded me of the essence of who we are as humans, our need to allow for all of that myriad of emotion. And that's a difficult.

Rachel: In a way, is it possible that feeling of laughing while you're grieving is your own body trying to come back to your homeostasis.

Amy O.: Absolutely. And we fight it. Well, I fought it. I don't know if everyone fights it, but I did until I didn't. And then it felt good.

Dr. Lisa: To me it's a little more complex than an immediate rejection because I think we also want to own that like part of what CATCH was built around is the struggle parents go through when their kids are struggling. The parents are going to not be okay, and we need to recognize that that's part of the parent child dynamic. I think where it's tough is that we don't allow for the complexity of human emotion and the fact that we can truly feel multiple things at the same time and we get into this place where we think we can only have one feeling and so if part of our life is taken up by this thing, then that has to become the entirety of our existence, and that's the miss in my mind. And I think the more that we understand that for ourselves, and the more that we share that with our children about the complexity of human emotion, the healthier we'll be able to move through the tough situations. 

Parenting Pitfalls We’ve Learned From

[00:30:58] Amy O.: This leads me to a question I wanted to make sure I asked today. It seems like this is one of the, I don't know if we wanted to call it a pitfall, but it's one of the things we wanted to caution parents to be aware of is this idea of having more than one emotion at a time and allowing yourself a good day when your kid isn't having one. Are there any other sort of pitfalls or things that you see parents doing in our community that you might want to make our audience aware of that you've learned? 

Julie: I have thought about that. I think it's so easy to fall into the pit of what is everybody else doing and I have to do the same and what are the expectations, and I should do this, and I should do that and it's not what my child is doing. What do I need to do to change the picture so that we reflect what everybody else is doing? And I think it's so important to just stay in your own space and be who you are and let your kids be who they are and nurture that, because there's nothing more beautiful than seeing somebody become who they truly are. There just isn't. And you have to just love that and support that. And they are their own people. They have their day, you have your day, they have their journey and it's their life. 

Dr. Lisa: That's Julie Lythcott Haimes right there that we think of our children as Bonsai trees that we need to prune and form and mold into some perfect rendition of what we thought they were supposed to be. And in reality, they are wildflowers, and we got to watch them bloom the way they will. I know we are running low on time here. We had a few last questions we wanted to ask you guys. One of them is that we know that we can't pour from an empty cup and that self-care is so important in parenting. And so we were curious what you guys do to take care of yourselves while you are journeying as a parent.

Self-care While Parenting

[00:33:01] Rachel: My therapist actually told me recently that I am a great model of self-care. And I do. And also yesterday I didn't do them, and I had a crap day and it really reinforced that I need to do the things that work for me. I need to make space for those, but I meditate, I stretch. I make sure that I connect with a friend in a personal manner every day. So a phone call, a text, whatever. If it's more than one person, that's even better. That personal connection really helps me quite a bit. I think that really matters.

Julie: I exercise, I pet my cats, I try to find time for myself, I'm not that good at it, but I try not to be too busy. It's a losing battle, but I try, um,

Amy O.: Is Julie here? 

Julie: I would like to be better at it. It's a balance. I like being busy. I like all the things that I do, but then sometimes I do have to say this is too much or too many days have gone by where I haven't connected with a friend. And so I have to be purposeful about that and make those plans and put that on my calendar. And probably one of the other things, I laugh, and the way I make sure that I laugh is I watch late night comedy almost every night. We watch it on YouTube, click through all the clips from the previous night, and it's the best.

Rachel: The other thing I do that I do think has really helped me a lot is that my phone has a bedtime and that is 9:30 and all my screens are off at 9:30 and, or I try anyway, not always accurate, and then I plug my phone in, in the hall and I don't keep it next to me. And I think that that helps improve my sleep and just create space for quiet in the day.

Julie: You are a role model. 

Rachel: Self-care.

Julie: Yes, a role model for self-care, I think about it. Because I know the things that you do, and it's impressive to be able to have that discipline.

[00:35:06] Rachel: It makes a big difference. 

Parenting Pitfalls Revisited

Rachel: To say one thing about that question you asked about what do people do in the community? My answer to that is create the life that you want based on your values, don't fall into the pattern of, I can't let my kid make mistakes because they're supposed to be at this stage. Create space for mistakes, create space for other kids to make mistakes and model repair in your house. I realized I needed to give my kids the words for how do they talk through a fight with a friend? They don't know that instinctively. And so we tried to model that between the kids, so that they could learn and practice on each other. This is how I make repair. And I think in terms of how much scheduling and how many activities and making sure that there's time for you as a family, for your core, whatever that looks like for you. I think just being thoughtful about, are we living the life that we want, or are we living what we think is expected?

Julie: Amen. 

Dr. Lisa: I'm going to chime in there for one second and say what I am finding most difficult with that is that I feel like there are some decisions that we can make as a family based on our values. And you really can shut the rest of the world out and do that for ourselves. And then there are other things that I think are genuinely so much harder to decide in isolation, and there's this feeling of, if the community would get on board and we were all doing this together, it would be so much easier for each of us. And I think  more of the work to be done is how do we continue to share this messaging and have more people see that this is helpful so that no one child is feeling left out that they're missing X, Y, and Z because we're all a little less scheduled, we're all not accessing social media till we're older, we're all doing these things and it's not, in this isolative box when we really do live in community form.

[00:37:22] Julie: But that's where gets back to letting your kids be who they are. If it's not ideal for your child to be in a bunch of structured, scheduled sports, then let it be okay for them. Validate their choice that that's not how they want to spend their time.

Dr. Lisa: For sure. 

Julie: And if everyone else is doing A, you can do B and it's okay because this is who you are and who you are is enough.

Rachel: And I don't mean to trivialize that in any way. It's really hard. But also you don't have to necessarily do it all but be thoughtful about it. So what are the pieces that reflect, what are our family's values? What are,

Amy O.: That's what I was just going to say, I think it starts with being intentional about identifying what matters most to you and your family and making choices that align with those decisions. 

Julie: um. Right and if your family values are that you want to participate in all of these activities and that's how you want to spend your days, then go for it.

Dr. Lisa: But yeah, be thoughtful

Julie: Be thoughtful about it. Be intentional about it.

Helpful Parenting Tips

[00:38:30] Dr. Lisa: And as we round out here, our last question we wanted to ask you guys was, are there one or two nuggets that have been most helpful to you that you can share with our listeners? 

Julie: I would say the idea of validation. I can't say enough about how powerful that is to validate someone else's experience and then to see the response to your validation. There was a situation where my son came to me years ago and he and his friends wanted to stay up late to play video games. And I was like, “oh, wouldn't that be fun if you could stay up late on a school night and play video games? But you know that you just need to get a good night's sleep.” And he came back to me like an hour later and said, “I talked to my friends and we're going to do this over the weekend.” How powerful was that? You know, I acknowledge that this is what you really want to do. I see how it is and it worked.

Rachel: Trying to find community that's aware, and I'm going to make a shameless plug that everybody whose kids are struggling should join a Parents Connect group because finding people and that's what I found on this board and volunteering for CATCH, like you're going to find people who value their kids mental health. And, trying to seek out those opportunities to be exposed to people who are going to be paying attention to those things. I think that is really valuable. And also just be open to trying different things and be kind to yourself. Give grace to other people, but also to yourself. You're not going to get it all right. And if something isn't working, then it's okay to say, “well, this approach, we tried it, and it didn't work. And so let's figure out how we pivot from here. What's the next thing?”

Conclusion

[00:40:15] Dr. Lisa: Well, thank you. It's very fun sitting in this in living room with you guys 

Amy O.: Really is.

Dr. Lisa: I know, right? Thank you for joining us and for helping to honestly create all of the programming that has allowed all of us to, to learn these nuggets and do our best as parents each day. It has been great having you here and thank you to our listeners for another episode of Parenting the Mental Health Generation.

Amy O.: Stay current on all CATCH programming by liking us on Facebook and Instagram @catchiscommunity or by visiting our website, www.catchiscommunity.org.

Dr. Lisa: We're glad you joined us to continue the conversation. It's important to talk about our mental health and reach out for help if needed.