Parenting the Mental Health Generation

Embracing Life's Glimmers: Finding Joy with Ease

February 27, 2024 CATCH, Community Action Together for Children's Health Season 3 Episode 6
Parenting the Mental Health Generation
Embracing Life's Glimmers: Finding Joy with Ease
Show Notes Transcript

If you’re stuck in the muck of parenting, you can make positive change without sticker charts and timeouts.  Yes, there is another way, and you’ll find it by searching for glimmers, those minor moments that deliver peace and joy.  During this episode, we meet an artist who made a big life change for the better and shares how you can follow her lead with small steps.

B Kez website
B Kez Instagram (@BKez)

Music Credit: Line Up / POND 5
©CATCH 2024

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B Kez, Muralist (00:00):

You don't have an infinite life; you have a finite amount of time. How do you want to be spending that time?


Amy O., CATCH Executive Director and Founder (00:10):

How do we find the glimmer in our lives right now?

Dr. Lisa, CATCH Board Member (00:14):

Glimmers are those tiny, seemingly insignificant moments when you feel a sense of joy, connection, peace, safety or gratitude.

Amy O. (00:23):

Can recognizing these glimmer moments help model the self-regulation we as parents are trying to teach our kids? Welcome in. I'm Amy.

Dr. Lisa (00:32):

And I'm Lisa. Today we are here with B Kez.

Amy O. (00:38):

B Kez may just be the best example of someone who finds glimmer in each day as a muralist. She's passionate about creating art that promotes radical self-love and acceptance.

Dr. Lisa (00:50):

But she wasn't always focused on the large scale community-based artwork that she now creates. B spent her early career years working in museums, architecture and communications firms. Then in 2015, she examined her life and made the decision to live authentically present, embracing each moment and finding delight and beauty in the every day. And she's been a self-employed artist ever since.

Amy O. (01:17):

While you may not go out and change your life in as radical of a way as B did. What lessons can we take from her bravery and enthusiasm to cultivate a life with hope and maybe a little bit of daily glimmer? We want today's conversation to empower each of us as we embrace this new year.

Dr. Lisa (01:36):

So put in your earbuds, take these 30 minutes for you, and join our conversation with B.

Amy O. (01:42):

Welcome in.

B Kez (01:44):

Thank you.

Amy O. (01:45):

It's very nice to meet you and to have you here with us.

Dr. Lisa (01:49):

And I'm certainly not meeting you for the first time bestie. For our listeners, B and I have been best friends since we were the ripe age of seven.


Amy O. (01:59):

It was a couple weeks ago, and I called Lisa, I think it was pretty early in the morning because I was reading the Times as I do, and I could not find one article that made me smile or made me feel good or made me happy. It just seemed like the world and all the news in it was heavy. And so, I said to her, our next podcast has got to be light and fun and full of joy. And Lisa immediately says, I know who we're going to ask.

Dr. Lisa (02:33):

I sure did. And here you are.

Amy O. (02:36):

And so, B Kez is joining us today to help us reset in 2024 and understand better how we might approach every day with a little more hope, a little more joy, a little more authenticity. Does that sound good?

Dr. Lisa (02:54):

Sure does. I could talk you up for hours, but I'd actually rather you do it yourself. Can you share a little bit about your life, and you know, why I chose you for this gig?

B Kez (03:07):

I'd love to. I have been working as an artist for almost a decade, and I've focused my work on adding more color and joy and invitations into presence into the public realm. I think a lot of that came from my early career experience working in architecture and urban design, thinking about how so much of our environments were built to really

Dr. Lisa (03:47):

like enclose us,

B Kez (03:49):

Enclose us. And without thinking about how we might feel in them in a day-to-day basis, they're so functional that they don't always consider the emotional way that they make us feel. They're really gray, they're very boxy. There's a lot of glass and steel and concrete and not a lot of color. And especially in cities that experience winter. In the summer, they can be really lush and verdant, but in the winter, all of that color goes away. And in the time of the year that we most need to be seeing those bright, supportive, beautiful, thriving life, we're left without it. And art and public art in particular feels like a way that we can create those moments within our cities where we feel like we're being hugged rather than like we're being turned a cold shoulder to.

Dr. Lisa (05:04):

I distinctly remember many conversations that we had around the time that you were thinking about quitting your Monday to Friday desk job to become a freelance artist. And I mean, I certainly recall the bravery that that entailed. Can you share a little bit about how you actually got to that place of making that decision?

Taking a Leap of Faith

B Kez (05:28):

Yeah. There were a few different factors that contributed to my taking that leap of faith. One of them was that the place where I was working was a very abusive environment, and I realized that I couldn't stay there any longer, or the last bit of that joy that lived inside of me was going to get stamped out. And another piece of it was that I had this feeling, I was turning 30 and I thought, at the end of my life, I will absolutely not regret trying. I'll regret not trying. So let me give it a shot. And if it's an epic failure, then I still have a master's degree and all of this professional experience, and I'll be able to return to this stable world. But if it works, how incredible would that be? And then I'll have taken that chance and seen it pay off.

Amy O. (06:43):

So, it sounds like it was almost as though you came to a personal realization deep inside, but that it was in part because of the environment in which you found yourself.

B Kez (06:57):

Yeah, absolutely. I think I had been already at that point in my life, I had been practicing yoga for over a decade and had a meditation practice that I had been cultivating for a number of years and had built this sense of how one could live in the world but didn't see other people around me living like that. And so, it was hard for me to say, well, you can actually live like that because it didn't seem like anyone else was doing it. But then I reached a breaking point and I actually got quite sick while I was working at this job, likely because of the stress of it. And that sort of pushed me into this place of saying, I'm going to choose me and I'm going to see how much I can keep choosing me. And if I have to change course I will. But I have to try.

Amy O. (08:14):

And how has it gone? I mean, I have to say audience, that this young woman has an enormous smile. She definitely radiates a happy feeling.

B Kez (08:32):

Thank you. I would be doing myself and other people a disservice to say that it's only been wonderful. I think that anything new that we try often has struggles. And in the early years there were quite a number of struggles, establishing myself and figuring out how to, to support myself financially while I made this transition. And many moments were really challenging. And I definitely thought about should I get another job? But I stuck with it. And I'm really glad that I did because now I find myself in a place where I'm so in love with my life and I love the work that I get to do, and I love the people that I get to interact with through that work. And I love when I meet people who have had experiences with my work, and they share that it's had such a positive impact on them. I feel like it's incredible to, to know that I am being that model that I didn't have for other people.

Dr. Lisa (09:51):

I'm literally obsessed with you and seriously. I mean, you just, you're bright and you just, there's so much energy and vibrance to you. And I want to be clear to our listeners and very honest with myself, that most people don't make as epic of a change in their lives as you did. And I know we're going to want to spend a lot of time today talking about some of the smaller changes that people can make. But before we do that, I'm curious to get your opinion on what you think prevents more people from making a more major life change. And I will say that I was just listening to a podcast very recently, and it was talking about how in America, at least, work life satisfaction is as low as it's been as long as people can remember. And most of us are going about our day and doing our jobs and not feeling particularly great about it, and yet we're continuing in that space. What's different about you that allowed you to choose a different path?

Roadblocks to Change

B Kez (10:56):

I think the primary thing that's preventing people from making change is fear. And I think it's the combination of fear and a lack of self-trust. And I'll say that's been a huge piece of my personal journey is building that self-trust and looking not for external validation, but cultivating that internal sense of worthiness, of enoughness, of being able to ask myself, is this right for me? And then making a decision based on the answers that I'm able to come up with, rather than looking outwards and asking, will this win me status? Will this win me favor? Will people like me?

Dr. Lisa (11:53):

Why is that? Why did we grow up not understanding that self-worth piece necessarily? And why are kids these days continuing to grow up that way with these misconceptions around what is important, what we need to value?

B Kez (12:09):

I had a kind of come to moment around this idea when I was in college, I studied graphic design, and we took this course called something like Public Issues in Design. And you did a self-directed research project. And I was interested in advertising and the ways in which advertising and public space came together. And so, I did all this reading about advertising and realized that the most common tactic for selling is to say, this is what's wrong with you, buy this product and it will fix that thing that's wrong with you. But inherent in the selling is the need to tell people there's something wrong with you. And in our public spaces, the vast majority of the messaging that we are encountering is advertising. And that's part of why I am so interested in public art, because I want to make our public spaces include other voices that aren't trying to sell us things by telling us we're not enough. So, I think that most of us are growing up in this world where we're being constantly bombarded with the message that we're not enough because we need to be consumers. And you're not buying things if you think you already have enough and are already enough, or you're certainly buying a lot fewer things.

The Role “Success” Plays 

Amy O. (13:46):

Don't you think there's also a piece to this idea of working that's been ingrained in us that says success is grinding. Success is hard work and staying late and kissing ass all the things that are sort of the standard definition of what it means to be a successful worker or entrepreneur, whatever, rather than success being defined by, at the end of the day, feeling at peace or, you know, I was just telling Anne before we started this podcast that in thinking about this conversation for the last couple of days and in like being more aware of the choices I make throughout a day or a week and how I spend my time, there's no question that for me, I have to make a conscious decision to do things that bring me joy ahead of what I am supposed to be doing. Rather than what I'm supposed to be doing are things that may bring me joy. So I'm constantly pushing those like should's and supposed to's down so that I can do things that I love. And that seems a shift that you have made over time so that you're doing things that you love first and foremost.

B Kez (15:15):

I can't remember exactly where I encountered this idea but was listening to some podcast and somebody offered the definition of success as falling in love with the process. And I loved this idea because our life is the moment that we're living in over and over and over and over again. And in the standard model of success, there is this idea that you grind because you're pushing towards the outcome. And so, it doesn't matter if you're miserable right now, you'll be happy when you arrive at the end, when you get the, the prize, the win, the promotion, the raise, the bigger house, the whatever. But if we live our whole life like that, we miss our whole life.

Amy O. (16:11):

And the finish line never arrives.

B Kez (16:13):

The finish line never arrives. There's always something more that you can want.

Dr. Lisa (16:18):

It's a moving target. It's a constantly moving target. And we talk about that topic all the time with respect to parenting and the community that, you know, we're raising our kids in here and that finish line, quote unquote, is getting into the right college. And these children are pushing themselves so hard to get the grades and the accolades and all the extra extracurriculars to that end goal. And we're seeing the emotional impact that that is having on them along the way that they are not joyful, happy, cheery kids. They're kids who are struggling, they're kids who are struggling in hopes that one day they'll be struggling less if.

Living a Joyful Life

B Kez (16:58):

And I think to add to that or to name how I am actioning this learning is to say the way we spend each moment of our life is our life. And if I want to have a happy, joyful life, then I need to be spending as many of my moments as possible, feeling happy and acknowledging the beauty around me, the joy around me, the love around me, the possibility around me. And obviously life has moments of struggle, and we all feel challenge. And I don't want to make it seem like I'm happy a hundred percent of the time I'm not. But I am as often as I can, inviting myself back into the remembering that this is it right now. How are you feeling right now? Do you want to keep feeling like this? Because if you keep doing what you're doing, you will likely keep feeling like this.

Amy O. (18:06):

Go ahead, Lisa.

B Kez (18:08):


Dr. Lisa (18:09):

Nobody that would meets the two of us for the first time now would understand how on God's green earth, we are best friends. I will put myself right out there and say that I live by nearly none of these principles and I hear you talk about them. And I have so much admiration and love in my heart for it. But it's hard. It's really hard. And I think part of the thing that's made it so hard for me is that I spent so much of my time grinding and studying and getting a doctorate and working and then building a practice and all those, you know, and having a family and all those things happened without this realization that now I find myself looking around and going, what does even bring me joy? And when my therapist.

Amy O. (19:09):

A charcuterie board does, I know that.

Dr. Lisa (19:11):

My charcuterie board does in fact bring me joy.

Dr. Lisa (19:15):

It really, really does. You are so right. And you know what, Amy, I don't pull it out enough. Maybe that's all my life needs. I need like a charcuterie board event each Friday.

Amy O. (19:24):

You have a beautiful one. I happen to know.

Dr. Lisa (19:30):

It was a really tough moment in my own therapy when my therapist asked me, what is the last thing you remember that brings you joy? And I had an answer right away. I had actually just gone to see the lightscape show at the botanic gardens with my kids the night before. And my little 2-year-old had such ecstasy on his face seeing these colored, you know, colorful lights everywhere that his smile brought me joy. And she gave me a moment and she was like, I'll give that to you. That's adorable and delightful. But that's his joy. What about your joy? And I came up blank and I just need to own that these concepts sound so simple and yet feel so hard when we're trying to do our morning routine and our evening routine and everything that comes in between. And so I've picked your brain a lot about some of the little things, and I'm wondering if you can share with our listeners some of the things that maybe you started inviting into your life that that brought you on that personal journey.

The Little Things We Can All Do

B Kez (20:40):

Yeah absolutely. I have many. Yoga, my yoga practice. I would say that a lot of the things that bring me joy are activities that call me into presence. And so, yoga, meditation, art, but I have smaller ones that I can offer. I have a daily gratitude practice. Every night before I go to bed, I write in my journal things that I feel grateful for. And I've recently expanded this practice to not only name the thing, but then to ask myself specifically, what about that are you finding joy in so that I can think about how I can access that in even more places in my life or continue to cultivate that?

Dr. Lisa (21:34):

Can you give an example of that?

B Kez (21:35):

Yeah. So for example, yesterday I wrote in my gratitude journal that I was grateful for being at your house and hanging out with your family.

Dr. Lisa (21:47):

I made it into your gratitude journal.

B Kez (21:49):

You regularly make it into my gratitude journal. And then I expanded on it to say what, you know, if I'm thinking what about this is, am I feeling grateful for that I want to continue cultivating. And it's showing up in the relationships that bring meaning and connection into my life. It's making time to spend time with people that I love. It's being with people whom I feel that I can be a hundred percent myself around and be fully accepted and embraced for being myself. And so, by expanding into those things, it's more than just that I love you, it's oh, right. I value these ways of being and let me continue to find more and more places where I can access those ways of being.

Amy O. (22:46):

I'd like to make it into your gratitude journal tonight. Okay. But what I was going to say is, I think for me, like your life and the things that you have worked on over the past decade or more, it's beautiful and I'm glad for you and I can see that you have found a sense of sort of groundedness. I think it's important that we all remember that little things. and small amounts of time make a big difference.

B Kez (23:25):


Amy O. (23:26):

And so,

Dr. Lisa (23:28):

Amy, why did you turn to look directly at me when you were saying that?

Amy O. (23:33):

And I don't mean this as like a teaching moment as much as I mean it as like a I love you moment, and I think it's important to remember that you're not going to go home after B goes back to Toronto and say, okay, I'm going to do yoga, have a gratitude journal, I'm going to find joy. I'm going to cook, get my charcuterie board out every night and whatever. It's going to be just little changes, I think. I remember telling you last year that one of the changes I made in my life, which has made a huge difference to me, and I haven't been as good about it lately, but is that I start every day reading and I don't, you know, try not to look at my phone, try not to open my computer. I just try to enjoy the quiet time reading. And that made a big difference in the way that my day started.

Amy O. (24:18):

So I just wanted to say that maybe it would be good if B could help us sort of identify small things that are all of our busy listeners who have a million things happening could do to sort of remind themselves of their presence and their ability to feel joy and to feel hope. I mean, one of the reasons why we wanted to have this conversation was because the year coming up feels very daunting. It feels very dark. It feels like there's going to be a lot of challenging things globally for us all to process and finding hope. It's going to be even more important than ever I think.

B Kez (24:59):

I have another example of this is actually a very new practice for me that I've been finding a lot of joy and meaning in, I try, I'm not perfect, but at every meal before I start eating, I pause to be grateful for what I'm about to enjoy. And you know I grew up in a sort of religious context where we did a very prescribed prayer before eating. And I think that got quite lost on me of like, why are we doing this? It was just like, you just do it. You do it because you do it. And in bringing this back in a way that I've been able to personalize, I pause, I try to look at the food and smell it and really be present with it and name at least one thing that I'm grateful for. Whether it's the abundance that is before me or the people, the many, many people who were involved in cultivating that such that it could arrive at my table or the person who prepared it for me in that specific instance, or the people that I am about to share it with or the environment that we're in, where we're going to be enjoying the meal or the assorted life that also contributed, you know, pollinators make so much of our food possible, or bugs and microbes that contribute to the ecosystem that allows our soil to be healthy so that our food can grow.

B Kez (26:48):

So that is a very small practice that, you know, you can spend one minute before you eat your meal. That is both very presencing and gratitude building that I've introduced in the last year and have found a lot of reward in that practice.

Amy O. (27:11):

So, while you're telling that story, I was distracted because I have to share with you this hilarious story from my childhood. I too, I was raised in a home where we gave thanks when we sat down to eat. And I was also raised in a home where when I answered the telephone on the wall, I had to say, hello, this is Amy Carr speaking. So one night it was my turn to say grace at dinner, and I bowed my head and I just said, hello, this is Amy Carr speaking. And I got very confused about what chore or job I was actually doing.

Dr. Lisa (27:50):

And then you picked up the phone on the wall

Amy O. (27:53):

Yeah and said, God is good. God is great.

Dr. Lisa (27:57):

Wondering who was on the other line.

Amy O. (27:58):

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Are you there God, it's me, Margaret.

Dr. Lisa (28:03):

Oh my God that's hilarious.

B Kez (28:04):

Yeah, I mean, I think the thing that's been so helpful for me in this practice is that I don't say the same thing every time. Whereas, you know, in my childhood it was the same blessing, verbatim, same words, and then it loses meaning because you stop connecting to it. And so, with this practice, part of the invitation is to think about a new thing, to be grateful for each time you sit down so that it doesn't lose meaning and become the I'm grateful.

“Who has time for this?”

Dr. Lisa (28:40):

And, you know, and in listening to you share that wisdom, my immediate gut punch response was, who has time for that? And then I stopped myself and went, I do. And I think that's the part about it, is that this isn't a passive undertaking. It has to be an active decision that this is something worth doing because there's always an excuse, you know? I already had seven of them at my fingertips. I was like, yeah, but I have two young kids at my house running around and screaming and clanking their forks against the plate and refusing whatever it is we put on the table for dinner and who has time to think about the pollinators of my food. And yet there is in fact still going to be that moment to find that gratitude. And I have to put aside the excuses and allow myself to be okay taking that moment.

B Kez (29:44):

I think like, sort of circling back to one of the first questions of like, why don't more people take a risk, make a change. I think part of it is because there's so much pushing on us to be like, do the next thing. Do the next thing. You don't have enough time. You got to get to that next thing on your list.

Dr. Lisa (30:04):

I literally just pointed to our producer's laptop that says, what's next in huge letters right on the cover. And I'm like, this is it. I mean, but we all feel that way and certainly with everything accessible to us at our fingertips and expectations that we're supposed to respond right away. I mean, another difference I noticed when you come visit me is my phone is on me twenty-four seven constantly distracting me. I'm constantly checking if a work email came through or if somebody is trying to set up a play date with one of my kids for the weekend. And I have no idea if you even have a phone, my love, because I haven't seen it and I've been with you now for at least 24 hours. It's a magical thing that you can do.

Cultivating Our Why

B Kez (30:51):

If I can offer one thing that's helped me so much in cultivating so many of these habits is staying as clear as I can about my why. Why am I doing this? Why is this important? Why am I making time? And when I have that clarity and, you know, why am I doing this? Because I want to be present for my life because I want to live in gratitude, because I want the people that I am with to feel that I'm with them. When I can remember that why it's so much easier for me to make time for the things or not make time for the things because in the same way that I was saying before, like at the end of my life, I don't think that I will say, oh, B, you should have answered more emails.

Dr. Lisa (31:54):

You should have gotten back to all those people five minutes faster.

B Kez (31:57):

Yeah. And this is another piece of our culture that we really don't like to talk about death and our mortality, but, we are all going to die without question. And so I find that incredibly helpful for me to remember, you don't have an infinite life. You have a finite amount of time. How do you want to be spending that time when you arrive at the last day of your life? Will you wish that you had done other things? If you can think of things that you wish you had done, do them right now. I'll ask myself if this is the very last day of my life, am I okay? And I want to go to bed every single day being like, yeah, if this is it, this was great. Like I did it. I gave it all. I loved all the love I had. I don't want to think like if I'm going to bed, oh I really wish I had done all these other things instead of what I did.

B Kez (33:16):

And I think the self-compassion piece is so important that when I do forget and I'm like, it's okay sweetheart, you're a human too. You're allowed to make mistakes and tomorrow you get to begin again.

Dr. Lisa (33:51):

I don't think it means you're going to bed feeling every day was perfect, but you're going to bed feeling like even on those hard days or the moments in your life where there is pain and loss and suffering and all the things that humans experience, you were present.

B Kez (34:12):

I'm living my values. Like, that's what it is. It's like every day at the end of the day, I want to be able to say, today I actioned what's important to me. And that might be that like at the worst day ever and I was able to be kind to myself,

How Parents Can Help Cultivate Living a Purposeful Life

Amy O. (34:32):

Our podcast is called Parenting the Mental Health Generation. Most of the listeners of our podcast are probably parents or caregivers. And so, and one of the things that Lisa and I talk about a lot is parenting to our values. Making intentional and purposeful decisions as parents and helping our community understand the importance of doing that even while both of us are living lives that are busy and on that treadmill and all of those things. So you're not a parent, am right?

B Kez (35:06):

I'm not a parent.

Amy O. (35:07):

I didn't want to assume something that I didn't know. I guess I would ask you or all of us to think about what messages we might give to parents about how they can help their kids to cultivate these kinds of choices as tweens and teens and young adults. Because a lot of our conversation has centered around kind of fully fledged adults coming to the realization that maybe we can live our lives differently in a more purposeful way. So how might we suggest to parents that they help their children understand the importance of this?

Dr. Lisa (35:46):

I'm going to chime in first and say that, you know, Psych 101, modeling is one of the best forms of learning. And so I know, even though I don't practice it the way I'd like to, I know that if I start doing more of these things and my kids just see that I don't have to say anything, I don't have to encourage it. I don't have to do whatever. If my phone is away more and I'm spending more time doing things that bring me joy and not working all the time. I think that's how they learn.

B Kez (36:22):

I think that's a huge one. And the other thing I'll add, because I'm an artist and so I think a lot about art and the ways in which art can invite us into living life in the way we want to be. When we were kids, even in art class, we were being told that the outcome was the important thing. So you were bad at art if the thing you made wasn't pretty. You shouldn't spend your time doing it, you're not good at it. And that had a big impact on me. And so, for a while, I did all these other things, partly because I thought it was important to be successful in other people's definition of a success, but partly because I thought, I'm not good enough at this thing. And so, I think one of the things we can offer our kids is time and activities where we're inviting them to enjoy the process. Doesn't matter what your painting looks like, it doesn't matter what your drawing looks like. It doesn't matter what your clay model looks like. Are you having a good time making it, keep doing that? And like inviting our kids into these opportunities where they can be process present rather than outcome oriented.

Amy O. (38:08):

I mean, that gets back to the whole Chasing Childhood thing, Lisa.

New Speaker (38:11):

Sure does.

New Speaker (38:12):

We recently showed a documentary entitled Chasing Childhood, which was all about the importance of free, truly free play.

B Kez (38:22):


Amy O. (38:23):

Just, yeah, ready, set do whatever the heck happens with that piece of wood or, you know.

B Kez (38:29):


Amy O. (38:30):

And that's the same kind of concept that you're talking about that explore your own boundaries and your own,

B Kez (38:38):

And then celebrating the fact that they can create without self-censoring, that they can be in a space of lacking self-consciousness and doing whatever because it's an experiment. Because it doesn't matter what the result is. What matters is that they can courageously try things because that's what's going to serve them in building their life, is building the courage muscle. Don't just do things you're good at. Do all the things, be willing to make mistakes.


Dr. Lisa (39:13):

You always remind me it is in fact the little things. I think it's a good nugget to leave for our listeners. So thank you, my bestie for being here with us and bringing your kindness and your compassion and your gratitude and your beauty into everything that you do and sharing it with the world in your art. Which by the way, listeners, we are going to put in the show notes a link to her website and Instagram (@bkez) where you can see all of her beyond incredible art. What you likely will not see there is the mural that she painted in my house.

Amy O. (39:49):

Thank you.

B Kez (39:50):

Thank you. A pleasure having this chat.

Dr. Lisa (39:53):

And thank you all for listening to another episode of Parenting the Mental Health Generation.

Amy O. (39:58):

Stay current on all CATCH programming by liking us on  Facebook and Instagram @CATCHiscommunity.

Dr. Lisa (40:03):

We're glad you joined us to continue the conversation. It's important to talk about our mental health and always reach out if needed.